What’s With All the Rocketmen Who Don’t Want Capes?

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The poetry of Original Captain Kirk actually in space notwithstanding, here’s what I don’t understand: All the silly little greed-monsters are doing “Space-Race II” like anyone but them really gives a damn and like a lot of sequels aren’t garbage compared to the originals. It’s all about power and prestige without any of the gravitas, inspiration, or Cold War style. So, how haven’t we been able to sucker these obviously insecure and grasping dingbats into wanting to be the most powerful people on earth by creating affordable, sustainable energy that LITERALLY POWERS WHOLE NATIONS?

Seriously, why don’t they wanna be “the only name in clean energy right now” like Tony Freaking Stark? Try literally saving the world and see how many hits you get on Insta ya crumbly billionaire cupcakes… It could go something like this:

“Hey Sexy.”
“Not my name, but yeah?”
“You use the internet? Make smoothies to keep that body of yours tight?” 
“Weird and inappropriate question, dude, but yeah. Why do you want to know?”
“Cuz that’s really me making aaaaall that stuff work. I make all the power for this whole city. That’s me.” 

And if this still doesn’t feel like juicy enough enticement, it could even look like this:

“Hey Baby. You know North America?”
“Grown-ass woman, actually, but, yeah. I know North America.” 
“I make all its power.”
“What do you mean?”
“I make the energy that powers everything in North America. EVERYTHING. That’s me. I do that.” 

How is it possible that these supercharged swamp trolls want to be famous and “powerful” without ever for one second wanting to do anything… good? I feel Bonnie Tyler in my marrow these days – or Fairy Godmother in Shrek 2 depending on the day – and either way: I’m holding out for a hero and they’ve gotta be larger than life.

When I asked the teenager why these barely humans don’t want to be heroes he said, “because it would take too much work and they don’t care.” 


Needless to say this depressed the crap out of me. It was a pretty fatalistic – borderline nihilistic – take on things. I lost some real time trying to bounce back.

But I still think that with some really, really good marketing we could trick these benighted rocketmen into being accidental heroes by selling them on the idea that the most powerful people in the world aren’t the ones who burn their money riding giant penises into space, but the people who literally MAKE POWER.

I mean, anyone with core soul strength and a desire to do good knows that the heart of any real, useful, and sustainable power comes from kindness, compassion, creativity, vulnerability, science/art, love, collaboration for the greater good, and a willingness to forgive even your enemy but, you know, whatever.

This is about manipulating patently fragile human egos into building a sustainable future because they think it will make them look good. 

I mean would we even still be milking the skeletal teats on the poor, emaciated cow of fossil fuels if there weren’t so many people clinging to exactly this kind of energy-based power?

I just don’t get why none of the billionaires want to lean in and get out out in front on this one…

Even if they don’t want the cape, I thought they would at least want the glory and the gains. 

The kid also warned me that I might regret wishing for one of these colossal jags to to actually become the type of ultimate power-broker who has rebuilt energy empires and skillfully retrained workforces for the new paradigm. I mean, anyone who actually, fully takes this on – if they take it on before we can see the bottom of the Mariana Trench – will inevitably build whole new economies and bank untold new billions.

Fundamentally weak ninnies with that much worldly power and societal clout would undoubtedly try to bend us to their will. But, even if only to lift some of the fatalistic nihilism from the shoulders of my child, I’m game. I’ve joked for years that he doesn’t need a college fund but to be trained in extensive hand-to-hand combat, weapons, and the psychology of cult leadership so he can survive the upcoming water wars. It’s just that this dark joke isn’t funny anymore.  

I suppose that being surprised by the global failure of the vapid and vainglorious to do anything good to fill the narcissistic hellscapes where their self-worth should be is my fault. I’m a shameless idealist. If nothing else, my life has taught me (over and over) that I deserve the full weight of my current soul-crushing despair. 


Even if it leads to domination by a global overlord sitting high on a throne made of a thousand penises woven into the shape of a penis that is, itself, equipped to “shoot off” into space, I’m ready to market the snot out of clean energy as the best possible way to win every possible pissing contest in the hopes that one of these oily cowards will stay here on earth and step the hell up. 

Suit with Rocket Image from HERE

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